Chronic Pain
Last night I laid awake...staying awake seemed easier than falling asleep and waking up wishing I were dead. This pain is unbearable. My body finally gave out and I passed out at 5:30, only to wake up with my back stiff and my inability to sit up. To make it worse my two year old was passed out beside me, so in efforts to keep him comfortable I just laid there. In pain. My life is lived in a constant state of pain.
Here in the next few days I have an appointment with a mental health specialist, because the state of mind I've been in is terrifying. One of those, "I'd rather be dead than alive" mentalities. As a mom of four, a very loving mom of four, I hope this puts my pain into perspective a bit better. It has been a month since the first thought quickly came across my mind...taking a Tylenol knowing that it would do nothing and just thinking, "I wish I were just dead." I buried the thought. What if someone found out? What if someone thought I would hurt my kids? So many people don't comprehend what life is like in chronic pain.
Help? There is none. If you go to the doctor asking for pain medication, they offer you nothing. They'll send you for an x-ray, suggest physical therapy, but unless you show an evident sign that you're in pain, you're nothing but a drug seeker...at least that's the way it feels. I've been holding onto a hydrocodone for months, that I got when my spleen was giving me trouble, just so I'd have it when I'm at my wits end. But the thing is, I never know what my wits end is anymore.
Before, my pain would come and go, I'd usually be able to get through the day without even a grimace. For the last five years my pain has grown into my worst nightmare...and continues to get worse, daily. So, my last hydrocodone just sets in my dresser and I wait...one of these days I'll take it, but the days to follow thereafter hunt my dreams.
I've always had odd pain, even as a child growing up...and headaches. But the major pain started during my third pregnancy. I had gained so much weight as I was immobile, my hips had become dislocated and instead of helping me, doctors blamed my weight. And so, it began.
I had never given "chronic pain" much thought. I had never thought about the grief it brings into people's lives. Actually, parts of me wondered if it it actually existed. Now that I live with it daily, I am outraged by ever thinking it didn't exist. It does, but people do not understand it. People cannot fathom what it does to a person. People don't understand that death sometimes seems better than to live another second of the constant pain. Victims question their worth, they question if they've become a problem to their loved ones, the disconnect, they get depressed, they question their sanity...they truly get nowhere with medical providers. It's as if they have created all this pain inside their head. If there isn't a reason for it...it shouldn't exist...right?
Right now, as I type this. I am at my wits end. My doctor basically told me that nobody would even think about giving me pain medications as I don't have an extensive medical history. Well...I haven't needed one! So, here I am...hopeless, defeated, outraged, sick...wondering what's next? I cry...that's all that's left in me right now.
Here in the next few days I have an appointment with a mental health specialist, because the state of mind I've been in is terrifying. One of those, "I'd rather be dead than alive" mentalities. As a mom of four, a very loving mom of four, I hope this puts my pain into perspective a bit better. It has been a month since the first thought quickly came across my mind...taking a Tylenol knowing that it would do nothing and just thinking, "I wish I were just dead." I buried the thought. What if someone found out? What if someone thought I would hurt my kids? So many people don't comprehend what life is like in chronic pain.
Help? There is none. If you go to the doctor asking for pain medication, they offer you nothing. They'll send you for an x-ray, suggest physical therapy, but unless you show an evident sign that you're in pain, you're nothing but a drug seeker...at least that's the way it feels. I've been holding onto a hydrocodone for months, that I got when my spleen was giving me trouble, just so I'd have it when I'm at my wits end. But the thing is, I never know what my wits end is anymore.
Before, my pain would come and go, I'd usually be able to get through the day without even a grimace. For the last five years my pain has grown into my worst nightmare...and continues to get worse, daily. So, my last hydrocodone just sets in my dresser and I wait...one of these days I'll take it, but the days to follow thereafter hunt my dreams.
I've always had odd pain, even as a child growing up...and headaches. But the major pain started during my third pregnancy. I had gained so much weight as I was immobile, my hips had become dislocated and instead of helping me, doctors blamed my weight. And so, it began.
I had never given "chronic pain" much thought. I had never thought about the grief it brings into people's lives. Actually, parts of me wondered if it it actually existed. Now that I live with it daily, I am outraged by ever thinking it didn't exist. It does, but people do not understand it. People cannot fathom what it does to a person. People don't understand that death sometimes seems better than to live another second of the constant pain. Victims question their worth, they question if they've become a problem to their loved ones, the disconnect, they get depressed, they question their sanity...they truly get nowhere with medical providers. It's as if they have created all this pain inside their head. If there isn't a reason for it...it shouldn't exist...right?
Right now, as I type this. I am at my wits end. My doctor basically told me that nobody would even think about giving me pain medications as I don't have an extensive medical history. Well...I haven't needed one! So, here I am...hopeless, defeated, outraged, sick...wondering what's next? I cry...that's all that's left in me right now.
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