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A Mom's Worry

I’ve kinda been putting this off, as to not piss someone off and frankly, it’s a sad subject. A few nights ago I fell asleep for what seemed like an eternity. It was actually only a couple minutes, but the dream made my heart sink. It was after a lengthy pro-gun vs. anti-gun debate that went sour. I have a weak ability to get my point across; maybe they had a weak ability of not getting offended. Either way, it was about 67 posts deep when I finally just ended up deleting the whole thing. Okay, back to my dream. I dreamed that I was on my way home and took the route going passed my girl’s school. Typically, I wouldn’t do this even though it’s quicker and more efficient but there is this down hill back up the hill part of the road that always makes my Progressive Snapshot thing beep. Drives me batty every time. Anyways, I took this route as I thought it would be recess time and I might get to catch a glimpse of one of my girls in their merry way. Only this time, I didn’t. I turned o
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Chronic Pain

Last night I laid awake...staying awake seemed easier than falling asleep and waking up wishing I were dead. This pain is unbearable. My body finally gave out and I passed out at 5:30, only to wake up with my back stiff and my inability to sit up. To make it worse my two year old was passed out beside me, so in efforts to keep him comfortable I just laid there. In pain. My life is lived in a constant state of pain. Here in the next few days I have an appointment with a mental health specialist, because the state of mind I've been in is terrifying. One of those, "I'd rather be dead than alive" mentalities. As a mom of four, a very loving mom of four, I hope this puts my pain into perspective a bit better. It has been a month since the first thought quickly came across my mind...taking a Tylenol knowing that it would do nothing and just thinking, "I wish I were just dead." I buried the thought. What if someone found out? What if someone thought I would hurt m
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Thank You

To the man who left, I am not bitter anymore. I don't want to be bitter anymore, and I am stronger than this hold that our situation has on me. Therefore, I am releasing myself from it, and you too. In the the past I have constantly wished ill-will against you; wishing your actions would one day become your misery. Not now though, when I think of yo u, I feel razbliuto. So, instead of being angry at you, I thank you. You may read this one day and feel it's done out of sarcasm, but wholeheartedly, thank you. For not only have I released myself from you, you released me also. I thank you for not fighting for me, giving up, and walking out, because I feel that I am exactly where I am suppose to be. I thank you for the deep-seated wounds; I should loathe you. I cannot, because now I'm courageous, I am enlightened.  As a mother, my most important role, I thank you for them. Not the hereditary part. I truly want to say thank you on their behalf. They are much too young
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Chelsea

I recently went back to Facebook and started posting again on my fan page. I've missed it so much. As much as I was excited to come back out of my shell, the worries that came with it were a little overwhelming.  The one thing that came to my mind the instant I signed my name to a post was Chelsea. My little girl whom I lost through miscarriage in December of 2008. The most devastating experience of my life. I was alone, scared and heartbroken as I held onto pieces of my baby birthed too early. I think about her all the time. I think of what she'd look like, who'd she act like, what her voice would sound like. I just think about everything that I will never know for certain. One of these days when I build up the courage I will tell my more in depth story of my little Chelsea but until then, I just needed to speak of her presence even if it was just a few hours on earth, even if she never took a breath, even though to most she never "existed". She was once my cente
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